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Interpersonal Relationships: |
One of Our Greatest Needs
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One ancient proverb says, “Open rebuke is easier than hidden (withheld or absent) love.”
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Dan Jarboe is a licensed marriage and family counselor. He has worked with families, couples, individuals, and groups for 20 years. His areas of psychological expertise include trauma and crisis intervention, marriage and family relationships, and interpersonal growth and development. He currently is serving as a consultant with Global Hope Partners. When I was about 11 or 12 years old, I spent a week in the mountains at a summer camp for children. During the week a special person was invited to come for the week and speak to the entire group of us kids once a day. There were approximately 200-300 children at the camp that week. Each day the kids were led in playing various games, sports activities, and also were allowed to hike through the surrounding mountains with the adult supervisors assigned to each cabin of boys or girls. While the week’s activities were fun I am sure, the rest of my week’s experience is now gone from memory, covered over by the shadow of one brief conversation I had with the appointed speaker for the week. Her name was Ellen. I don’t recall where she was from or what she spoke about during our large group meetings. What most stands out for me is what occurred one morning after our large group gathering. As I left the building I began talking with Ellen. In just a few moments we were talking alone as we sat near the walking path that went down the hill. Kids were running and making noise all around us and in the sports field below, but none of that seemed very noticeable to my ears. She was listening to me with an attentiveness that left me feeling I was the most important person in camp for those minutes we talked together. When we finished our conversation she reached over, took my hand, and said to me, “Daniel, I have really enjoyed getting to know you. I want you to know that you are a very, very special young man, and I know that you have many wonderful things ahead of you in life. Thank you for talking with me.” That conversation occurred over 30 years ago, but it still stands out in my mind today. Why? Because this person made me feel so very important, special, and capable during those few minutes we spent together. She made me feel that I mattered to her, and assured me that my life would count for something. Those who have known such affirming experiences or people in their lives can usually easily recall exactly who those people of influence were, and whether the experience occurred during childhood or as an adult. And, unfortunately, those who have never received this kind of powerful affirmation from any of their primary caregivers, parents, or relatives also recognize this reality immediately. People from every race and culture, at every age or stage in life, both males and females, long to feel important. Not every one wants to be famous or a celebrated artist, writer, architect or political leader, but every human being on the planet has a deep desire to feel important, valued, or somehow recognized by others for their strengths. Some of the deepest emotional pains of people have been the result of experiences which have left them feeling unimportant, unwanted, unappreciated, or treated with little value. The psychological study of child abuse and neglect has revealed to us that most abused children suffer differently than neglected children. Many children would rather be given the “attention” inherent in being mistreated or abused than suffer the lonely and painful experience of being completely neglected. Being neglected means feeling invisible, unimportant, and worthless- of no significance to anyone. One ancient proverb says, “Open rebuke is easier than hidden (withheld or absent) love.” It is true that some children would rather be scolded harshly for their misbehavior or even unintentional mistakes than to be totally ignored by their parents. Some children consciously or unconsciously misbehave simply to arouse and obtain the attention of their parents, even if it is negative, because negative attention is assumed to be better than no attention at all. Every infant child longs (and needs) to look into his or her mother’s face and see delight in her eyes and a warm smile. Without such basic nurturing and warm physical touch, some infants die, though given ample food and drink. When given the affection and love they need, the same newborn children can return from their innocent eyes and faces a certain quality of contagious joy and excitement that can hardly be matched. One of the greatest gifts my father gave me as a boy was the memory of feeling that he deeply enjoyed being my father. Often, he seemed to take great pleasure in just sitting on the side of a bed in the room I shared with my brothers as he listened to us recount the interesting experiences of our day or week. He was a very busy man, but not too busy to demonstrate, “You are important to me” in ways I will never forget. Everyone knows that this need to feel significance and worth does not end in childhood. Many adult women enter relationships with men (or remain with men) who don’t treat them very well; some of these men are emotionally, sexually and/or physically abusive. Even though these women often recognize they are in an emotionally unhealthy situation, many remain and endure the abuse. Some would leave but are afraid for their very lives. Yet some are most afraid of being alone and feeling completely “unwanted”. They are so starving to feel valued and loved – even if it is only a small part of the time, they cannot end the relationship. One wise man once said, “To the hungry man, even a bitter thing seems to taste sweet.” In the 1980’s a very popular book was written by author Dr. Robert McGee entitled “Search for Significance.” It was used by some chemical dependency recovery programs in the United States, particularly because of the extremely difficult but important challenge of recovering alcoholics (and those with other addictions) in establishing a healthy self-image, while working to escape the slavery of their addiction. The ongoing cycle of addiction is heavily driven by feelings of worthlessness and shame. Many people understand very well that one of the long-term injuries suffered by children who are raised in the home of a parent who has problems with alcohol or drug abuse is the feeling that “I never felt that I mattered, that I was really loved and important. Alcohol seemed to be the most important thing to my father/mother.” Men and women not only desire to find meaning and purpose in their lives, but at a very basic level most people also hope that their lives will matter to someone. To at least some degree most people want to feel that their lives have had a positive impact on others, and that at least those around them will remember them as having made some kind of important contribution. Men and women the world over make decisions daily which are driven by their desire to either “make a name for themselves,” or find that they or their accomplishments will be appreciated by someone. Some men are often so driven by their desire to excel and be “successful” at work that they become blind to the fact that they are neglecting their wife and children. Men and women even find themselves involved in extramarital affairs – at the risk of losing the trust of their children, reputation, friends and relatives – because they enjoy so much being told they are interesting, intelligent and attractive, or simply feeling valued by someone. On the other hand, when people are confident that their priorities or values are truly in order, and that the reward (to their own and/or others’ lives) is worthy of sacrifice, the courage and determination they often demonstrate can become a source of inspiration for many generations. However, we are definitely not referring here to persons with over-inflated assumptions of their own importance. There’s nothing noble or inspiring about arrogance or self-absorption. Instead, a clear mark of a great leader is the ability to identify what must be done, and then rally other people to enthusiastically give all they can toward the achievement of that mutually valued goal. Leaders who make each team member feel valued and appreciated for their hard work, reminding them of the importance of their contribution, these leaders do not have to whip or coerce their workers into obedience or devotion, it comes naturally. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ page 1 2 © Copyright – GHP – 2005 |
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